Adapted from CaringBridge and modified for the Boulder Valley Unitarian Universalist Fellowship.
When a Fellowship friend is diagnosed with a serious illness, it’s hard to know what to say or do. Sadly, this sometimes translates into avoiding the person when they most need help and support.
Every relationship is different, so there are no set requirements for how to talk to someone with a serious illness. But there are steps you can take to allow conversations to go smoothly while showing your love and support.
If you have been similarly afflicted in the past or presently, that would be something to share up front to help put your friend at ease. But be careful not to launch into the details of your experience but strive to be supportive by listening.
Hearing about someone’s diagnosis can be shocking, heartbreaking, and everything in between. Whether they break the news in person or you hear it through the grapevine, give yourself space to process and acknowledge all emotions.
It’s important to remember to take your cues from when and what your friend cares to share about their diagnosis and treatment. Don’t pry, but let them know you care.
The sharing of details about the disease and treatment may be uncomfortable for both of you. You might say, “I am most interested in how this is affecting your spirits.”
What to say to someone diagnosed with a serious illness
If you’re struggling to find the right words, here are several kind things to say to someone with a serious illness:
Offer to support them in a way that they find helpful or meaningful and that will be possible for you. Keep in mind that they may have to think about your offer for a while.
Hearing that your well-being is on someone’s mind can be a great comfort. If you or they aren’t religious, it’s still helpful to hear that someone is holding you in their thoughts.
When a friend is diagnosed with a serious illness, their life will be significantly changed. Let them know they have your support no matter what.
Don’t offer unsolicited advice about treatment options, or tales of others who have gone through something similar. No two diagnoses are the same.
4. “Let me help you with…”
Depending on your friend’s personality, this might be one of the most helpful things you can say. Instead of asking your friend how you can help, suggest some specific ways that you could possibly help.
Trips to treatments, doctors’ appointments, and physical symptoms make it difficult to keep up with day-to-day life. Offer to pick up a certain regular task for them, such as taking their dog for monthly grooming. Their focus should be on healing, not worrying.
Talk with them about using Neighborhood Connectors for meals or transportation. This link will take you to the request for Neighborhood Connectors
Send gift cards for essentials like groceries, gas, or meal services like DoorDash or GrubHub.
Treatments for many serious illnesses often cause numerous side effects, some easy to handle and some not. For patients who cannot eat certain types of food (tomato-based, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, pizza, barbecue sauce, salty foods like soup, etc.), gifts of DoorDash and GrubHub offer the recipient lots of choices so they can find foods which will fit their special and ever-changing diet.
Some patients cannot attend Fellowship services or large meetings if they have pulmonary issues. It isn’t that they don’t want to attend; it’s a fear of catching something that might further compromise their health. Send get-well cards and/or email messages. They will be much appreciated.
5. Tell a joke, have some fun.
After all, it’s been said that laughter is the best medicine. Take your friend for a pedicure or massage. Watch a light-hearted movie together.
Drop off a puzzle or stay and work on it.
Be sure and call ahead to see if such activities are possible.
Sometimes physical symptoms are one part of the puzzle when it comes to a serious illness. You can be there for your friend by asking them how they’re doing not just physically, but emotionally.
Keep in mind that asking this question can force the person or family members to reiterate the story over and over to each person who asks this. Don’t be offended if they give a short, superficial answer to the question. You may have been the 100th person to ask that week.
7. “Any time you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
Having someone there to just listen can be enormously helpful for someone with a serious illness. They’re experiencing a lot of emotions, and you can provide an outlet for whatever they want to talk about.
Should the person or their caregiver be struggling, suggest that they enlist a Lay Pastoral Care Associate, who have special training in supporting people through loss, illness and life transitions.
Humans can be social creatures. Some may thrive off personal interactions, especially with those who we feel comfortable around. During this difficult time, it may be possible to show your support by planning regular visits. This will give your friend or family member a sense of community and help them feel like things are more normal.
On the other hand, introverted people may desire limits to in-person interactions. It’s best not to just show up. Check beforehand.
The amount of face-to-face socialization depends on the illness and whether the patient is an extrovert or an introvert.
9. “You are beautiful.”
If undergoing chemotherapy, your friend may lose hair or lose or gain weight during treatment. This is a very emotional process, and feeling confident could be a challenge at first.
No matter what physical symptoms your friend is experiencing, this is an opportunity for you to make sure their inner and outer beauty is recognized.
A little encouragement goes a long way. Make them feel powerful. Whatever words you choose to convey this, they may appreciate the positivity despite a negative situation.
10. “There are so many things to love about you.”
A serious illness has a way of feeling all-encompassing. Those affected may feel like their identity revolves around being a patient. That is simply not true.
Your friend is so much more than someone who is grappling with a serious illness. They could be a dog-lover, artist, bird-watcher. Help them focus on all their amazing traits that have nothing to do with their illness.
11. “Did you see the latest episode or have you read?”
This isn’t a specific saying – it’s a reminder to talk about something else other than their illness. People with a serious illness spend plenty of time discussing treatment, symptoms, and prognosis. Your friend will appreciate those who can find something brighter to talk about. Whatever the topic, getting their mind off their illness will be refreshing.
12. “We can still do our favorite. . .”
From daily walks, playing cards, or watching your favorite show together, you may suggest continuing any regular routines you may have had with your friend. While they walk through this difficult time in life, you can help by creating some familiarity for them during a period of unknowns.
Be sure and ask if regular routines can continue. Strong medications can produce side effects which are then treated with additional medications which produce additional side effects. Some individuals may need to be close to a bathroom 24/7. All of this can be physically and emotionally tiring. Don’t be offended if routines are interrupted.
13. “I love you or I care about you,”
When nothing else feels right, these simple, powerful words can mean the world. They might be just the thing needed to push through the day.
When you ask a someone close to a person with a serious illness, “How is _________ doing?” Don’t be offended if the person doesn’t answer quickly. The full answer to your question could take half an hour and both of you are standing in line for coffee!
This takes a lot of processing on the spot to figure out an answer: so many procedures, medicines, ups and downs both physically and emotionally, deciding what to say that is not too pessimistic nor too optimistic.
Don’t be offended if the answer sounds somewhat superficial. “Thanks for asking, I’ll share your concern with _____.” “We had a busy week.” “It’s a real roller coaster, lots of ups and downs.”
The important thing is that you have registered your concern, and the message will be passed on to your friend.
No one wants to say anything that will make their friend feel worse. Unfortunately, that means in some cases we turn to cliché language that might not be that helpful. Here are a few common sentiments you may want to avoid:
Statements like these can minimize and dismiss a person’s pain. Instead, focus on sharing positive words that validate what your friend is going through, or simply offer to listen. And just note that if you have shared one of these statements before – it’s OK. Nobody is perfect, and we’re all doing our best to learn and grow.
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: it is tough to know what to say when a friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. We completely understand that not everyone wants to hear the same thing, and what makes one person smile may not be as helpful for another.
You might suggest that a no-cost CaringBridge page which allows people and family to update everyone at once.
Start Your CaringBridge Page Today
Some other form of e-mail notification may also reduce the frequency of giving updates.
That being said, we hope a few of these statements resonate with you and make it easier to comfort your friend.
Prepared for you by the BVUUF Caring Council
with additional input by Alisa and David Burrous and Larry LaVerdure
October 2025
